20

I kept tugging at the hem of my black dress all night. 

If you know me, you know Olive Garden was my birthday tradition. It was good food. Great conversation.

Laughs with friends, family and even the employees there. It was a good night. The first time I felt “good” in what I chose to wear for my birthday, as I continued to tug at the black dress all night. It was totally out of my comfort zone and was not comfortable at all. It was my way of saying, “Watch out world, I’m grown now!” and I was going to prove it to everyone and maybe I did in a way, but to myself, no. 

I thought adulthood was something you could wear. If I looked confident enough, maybe I’d become confident. If I looked like I had it all together, maybe I actually would.

This version of myself believed that I could convince everyone that I was good and everything was fine. Deep down, I was barely holding myself together. Staying strong for everyone around me. Keeping the peace, or so I thought I did. Keeping a smile that I hated so much. The smile that I would be reminded of every positive and negative comment about. The smile that, while big and bright, hid the pain I was holding deep within.

Twenty, stop trying so hard to convince everyone that you’re okay. The dress may have convinced some people that you were confident. The smile may have convinced others that you were happy. But neither was ever meant to convince God. He already knew your heart long before you ever tried to hide it. One day, you’ll discover that strength isn’t found in pretending to have it all together. It’s found in bringing your whole heart to the One who has always been your hiding place.